Fear

The cool sporadic drops are lightly dampening my face. Mixed with the cool August night it sends a chill through my tired body. Some sort of sticks cracking nearby. My eyes strain to focus on whats over there but it is just too dark. Holding as still as possible, almost not breathing, my heart begins to pound. The sounds seem to be multiplying and getting closer. Panic is rising from my stomach up through my chest and into my throat. The thoughts in my head are cluttered and I am just frozen.

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I could feel my foot go forward. Why was it moving? I don’t want to be closer to the noises. My body was ignoring my brain. I am afraid of the dark, I don’t want to be out here like this. Where are the protective walls?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How did I get in this position? Light, I need light. A flashlight would be nice but I don’t have one. Quickly my hand slide down to my hips to feel if there is anything helpful in my pockets. Yes, a lighter. A little light is better than none at all. Suddenly with this new tool I found I seem brave. Slowly, one foot in front of the other my body inches closer to the sounds. The pounding in my chest is so strong. Where am I going?

My eyes are welling and the tears are slowly streaming down my cheeks. The feeling is almost sensual how it is mixing with the mist in the air. All of my senses are heightened and that alone is a thrill. My thumb is pounding due to gripping the lighter so tightly. It feels hot, almost too hot. How much longer will I be able to keep it lit? I will have to switch hands even though my left hand is useless. Uncoordinated as I am.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My legs keep moving. Where am I now? Howling in the distance, leaves rustling nearby and footsteps all around me. What is happening? What was that? A gasp escaped my lips as something brushed up against my leg. My body is trembling even more now. Uncontrollable. The lighter goes out. Between the mist and my shaking it didn’t stand a chance. It is total darkness once again. I don’t want to be here anymore. I just want to go home. My eyes are burning, I can’t control them any longer. The tears flow out like they have never before. My legs begin moving again. Something is keeping me moving. Obviously a higher power, I could not do this on my own. I need to find shelter. Walls, please bring me walls!

It is hard to step quietly and sort of drag your feet at the same time. I don’t want to trip and fall. In that instant the pain is numbing. Scooched down I wrap my hand around my right foot, the big to area to be specific. There is a rock. I just stubbed my toe on a friggin rock! I don’t think it is bleeding but it is hard to tell since it all is wet. Once the pain lets up I go back to an upright position and began walking again. A little slower this time. Flip flops are not the shoe of choice right at this moment, but they are what I have.

The ground texture is changing. It feels like dirt now. No more wet grass tickling the sides of my feet. Maybe a tote road? Strange as it sounds I feel better about this. I will stay on the dirt path. At least that is something to focus on other than fear. Maybe it will lead me out of here. Where ever here is.

That thing just brushed up against my leg again. Get me the HELL out of here! I scream. Then I collapse to the ground crying out of control. Is this Hell? Why is this happening to me?

I felt a wet nose press on my forehead. I freeze. But that sound is almost recognizable. Purring? My hand reaches up and felt the very familiar softness of a cat. It was purring loudly now. I sit up. It crawls into my lap and lies down. Just a cat but it was my saving Grace. I was pulled back to reality and new that I would be alright.

A light came on in the distance. I can see now. My home is there. I am up at the top of my driveway with my cat in my lap in the rain in the middle of the night. I see my husband now. He is yelling for me. I yell back and he is running toward me with a flashlight.

Hubby: “It happened again, didn’t it honey?”

Me: Yes

Hubby: I’ve got you now. Lets get back inside and get you dried off. I should have paid closer attention to when you went out for a cigarette but you haven’t had an episode in quite a while.

Me: I am sorry.

Hubby: It’s not your fault baby, not your fault at all. We will call the doctor in the morning to let him know.

Me: I love you.

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