In Honor of Robin Williams

It is such a very sad day in my household. The news of Robin Williams death has affected me deeply. Depression and suicide is front and center in my family and this scares me to death. I have lost a brother to this and I want to do my part to make sure this doesn’t happen again.

Depression and suicide go hand in hand. Not all people suffering with depression commit suicide and not all suicides are caused by depression. But the majority are related. I know too many people that are diagnosed with severe depression and it scares me to think that one of them could be the next suicide victim.

I want to raise awareness, more awareness, on this. There are people that would rather go untreated then to feel the side effects of the wrong depression medication. And anyone that has been on the wrong depression meds know exactly what I am talking about. Why cant we fix this? There must be a way of testing a persons make-up or whatever to see which medication would work best or which ones would make them completely insane. Help me raise money to do more research to find out.

Now to come up with a challenge, like the “Ice Bucket Challenge” for ALS. Something that everyone could do for $10.00 but has the option of donating $100.00 to get out of doing the challenge.

So who wants to help come up with something amazing and help spread the word once we figure it out?

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My Suicide Note

As I sit here under the light,

I keep thinking that I wont be here tonight.

The thought scares me half to death,

Wondering when I will take my last breath.

My man is sitting here rocking away,

Having no idea that this is my last day.

The thoughts that are running through my head,

Makes me wish that I never got out of bed.

Telling my family would be the right thing to have done,

But seeing the pain wouldn’t help anyone.

Karma has come to bite my ass,

This is how I pay for the sins of my past.

My children and my mom will hurt the most,

but it will be too late by the time they read this post.

I love you more than you will ever know,

But I have reasons for needing to go.

I am a coward, that is for sure,

But for now there is no cure.

As the time to say good-bye nears,

Please don’t cry, I don’t deserve the tears.

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How Depression Changed My Life

(The below article was one of the many that I had published on Yahoo. It brings back very sad memories of where my life was at on 5/21/2012. I keep referring to a blog, but I have no idea which one I was writing in at that time. I was in a bad place.)

 

How Depression Changed My Life

For all of you that may know me, or at least knew me before one year ago knew me as being a very happy, bubbly, sociable and outgoing person. I live and breathe for my husband and children. They are my life.

If I was to meet someone new today, they may describe me as a recluse, home body, anti-social and quite possibly a snob. I prefer the old me and have been working very hard to get back to that.

This article will focus on my life in the past year, but let me give you a brief description of my life prior to this. Mother of two, married over twenty years, one child with a serious medical condition, one child with serious injuries, a husband that is disabled and a brother that commit suicide.

I was diagnosed with severe depression. All I did was sleep. I was seeing my regular doctor, my psychiatrist and my therapist on a regular basis. These are the only times I left my house. I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. This in itself saddens me because I have some very amazing friends out there and some of them were also going through their own tough times and I couldn’t be there for them. It was killing me.

So part of my therapy was to get out of bed and try to focus on something. I went on the computer. This is when I discovered all of the mindless Facebook games. Not only did I focus on them, I was obsessed with them. It was awful and I knew it. I kept telling my therapist that these are games that children would play. I am an adult woman and couldn’t stop.

Through therapy I was now turning my gaming energy into blogging. This seemed better. Blogging was starting to be beneficial. The more that I would write about my feelings and what I was going through, the more followers I would get. And some of them would reply and offer amazing advice that would really get the wheels in my head turning.

Let’s sit back and look at the big picture for the past year. I wasn’t able to leave my house, I was very depressed, I wasn’t earning a living to support my family, I couldn’t pay my bills and there was nothing I could do about any of it. This adds to the depression. I spend all of my time in my room, so there goes that happy family dynamic that we once had. I was failing as a wife and mother, miserably.

In the meantime I lost my medical insurance. No medical insurance and no income lead to no more doctors. I am on my own. What am I supposed to do? Where is my therapist? I need her so badly right now. I need to sit back, take a deep breath and try to remember everything that she has been telling me for almost a year.

Focus. Breathe. Write. Work through my emotions. Look at the big picture. Alright, I can do this. I need to do this. I don’t have a choice. Focus, focus on what? Alright then just breathe. Go to your blog and just focus on writing about your emotions and just take slow deep breaths while doing it until you come up with something. What have you learned about yourself in the past year? I have learned that I am a philanthropist. I have also learned that I love to write. I have also learned that if I am to get my family back on our feet I need to start my own business of some sort. I need to be home to take care of everyone and I need to earn an income while doing it.

My run with depression is far from over, but by staying focused and practicing the techniques that my therapist taught me, I can manage it for the most part. Knowledge is power. And I plan on being the most powerful woman in America.

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