Emotionally Challenging Day

Today has been very emotional for me, and I know why, but it is weird that it has affected me as much as it has.

First, if you have read my post, I Failed the Blog Challenge , then you know that I had spent the day Monday in the hospital with her. She hasn’t improved throughout the week so she called me at work this morning to let me know that her father had taken her back in. My poor girl is suffering so bad.

So like that isn’t emotional enough, I had a boy and his grandfather come into my work today because the boy had made a tough decision. You see, they were in a couple of weeks ago to see if we could order parts for the boys toolbox so he could fix it enough so that it could hold his dads tools. His dad had died a short time ago and this box and tools was all he had left. Unfortunately that particular style of the Craftsman Toolbox was discontinued years ago and you cant even get the parts, but my boss let me offer him a trade in for a brand new toolbox that was equivalent. That is the part he had to think about. To trade in his dead fathers toolbox to have a new one to hold his dead fathers tools.

Well that young man came in today making probably the toughest decision of his life. He traded the old one for a brand new one. Most people would be excited but I could see the pain in his little eyes. My heart was breaking for him. I wanted him to be able to keep that old box just to have and still have the new one that was at least functional. But no, I was told that we could not do that.

After I went out back trying to plead my case one more time, I was still told no. What were they going to do with that old box anyway? Throw it in the trash, so to speak. (Just so you know, I did not do any of this in front of the little boy or his family). I was crying walking back to my section. I felt so bad for him and he was being so strong and brave. He was doing the right thing even though it hurt.

I couldn’t let it go, still can’t. I tried calling the store back tonight after I had left to try one more time, the answer was still no. This just doesn’t seem fair. My work explained that it was done through a warranty exchange and it will get thrown away, but not until it gets sent back to Craftsman for verification. It makes sense, but I just thought it would have been a good deed since that little boy was trying to do the grown up thing even though it was causing him so much obvious pain.

So those are my two emotional triggers for today. I am signing off now since my daughter will be dropped off here with her mamma in just a few minutes.



My Suicide Note

As I sit here under the light,

I keep thinking that I wont be here tonight.

The thought scares me half to death,

Wondering when I will take my last breath.

My man is sitting here rocking away,

Having no idea that this is my last day.

The thoughts that are running through my head,

Makes me wish that I never got out of bed.

Telling my family would be the right thing to have done,

But seeing the pain wouldn’t help anyone.

Karma has come to bite my ass,

This is how I pay for the sins of my past.

My children and my mom will hurt the most,

but it will be too late by the time they read this post.

I love you more than you will ever know,

But I have reasons for needing to go.

I am a coward, that is for sure,

But for now there is no cure.

As the time to say good-bye nears,

Please don’t cry, I don’t deserve the tears.


My Dilemma with the Needs of the Rich and Poor

I have found myself in a position that has two families torn apart by tragedy. One family has quite a bit of money and is very well known in the community. The other is a young family that doesn’t have money and don’t know a lot of people around them.

Both families lost a loved one. One lost their teenage daughter and the other lost the father, leaving the mom of three very young children alone and financially stressed, even before the funeral costs. Both very tragic and sad. And both had a Go Fund Me page set up to raise the same amount of money. I am not sure exactly what the fundraiser was being used for the wealthier family, but they were both asking for ten thousand dollars.

The wealthy family reached that goal over night. Yes, one night, not even 24 hours. Plus they still have four or five more taking place this weekend. The poor family has raise about one hundred and fifty dollars in months. Yes MONTHS. In the mean time she has the collectors for the funeral costs calling once a week/month for a payment and also charging a quite hefty interest charge each and every month.

I am not blaming anyone, obviously, but I just feel so bad. They both are dealing with a great loss of a loved one, but one will not also have to endure a financial loss or bill collectors or that constant reminder from the funeral home that they still owe money because of a death that they had no control over. One lost once, the other lost twice.

I reached out to the “poor” one yesterday in hopes that I will be able to help somehow. Obviously I can’t do a lot but I didn’t know what else to do. Both families deserve support through this difficult time, but because of the financial differences I only reached out to one. I don’t like this at all. And it isn’t anybody’s fault.

One family is older and has been through the schools and sports and have just built relationships with more people while the other was just out of school themselves, busy having their small children and trying to set themselves up for their future.

What are your thoughts? Like I sad, nobody’s fault in either situation, but it still sucks.



Parenting Award

Ok well i am getting ready for work and just heard one more thing on the news that just makes me want physically mutilate some parents. Another child has died in a hot car. How does this happen?


How can anyone be so stupid and ignorant? I get the whole routine driving thing, I did it for years and years and years. I have driven by one of their schools and had to turn around to go back to drop them off but I have never, ever left them in the damn car! Memory is not one of my strong suits either.


But my kids are my life and when you add a little common sense in with that you get to keep your children alive. Yay!!! It is not a hard concept people.


And as for us, the ones that don’t kill our children, when you see a child left in the car, no need to call the police. Take the child out safely, go find the parent, put them in the back seat, securely of course, we wouldn’t want them to be able to move, roll up the windows, lock the doors and walk away. For good measure hang a sign in the window saying that they did the same thing to their child.


I am so over this shit.

Happy Birthday Brian 07/24/1964 – 09/08/1991

Happy birthday to my brother, Brian. He would be fifty years old today. But he isn’t here today because he decided to take his own life and end it all. I love him and miss him dearly, but I have many mixed emotions today. One of them is pissed.

I must be in rare form, because I am not normally angry. I have a grasp on reality and sort of get why he did it. I don’t agree with it and certainly wish I could turn back time and change things, but I get it.

I am pissed that he hurt our mom.

I am pissed that he hurt his son.

I am pissed that he hurt our brothers.

I am pissed that he hurt me.

Happy Birthday Brian. I wish you were here.

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