Mother Daughter Time

Today is going to be a great day! I have the day off, the sun is shining and my daughter called and wants to do something. We have no idea yet what it will be, but there is no doubt in my mind that we will have a great time and make some more great memories!

Knowing her her will make our way to the ocean, just not sure in which area we will end up in. But it doesn’t matter, we both love everything about it.

This is actually bitter/sweet for me. Let me explain. This is the weekend that my kids are taking my ex up to my parents camp for his birthday weekend. I got a text saying not to show up because they would all be there. Of course it will be a disaster since they don’t have a tent, camper, sleeping bags, coolers or anything else to have fun. I think they expect my mother to let them all in their camp, which she won’t and she already told them that. She isn’t mean, but there just isn’t enough room for everyone. I don’t even stay in there when I go up.

But anyway, when I was talking to my oldest yesterday and I asked her if she was ready for the camping trip, she informed me that she wasn’t going. She said that she wasn’t invited???? This doesn’t make sense to me but I would say there was some miscommunication somewhere, but since they are all adults I can’t butt my nose in. But my heart is breaking. But I will do my part to make sure she has a great weekend anyway.

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Snarky Family/Ex-Family Members

As most of you know I was married for almost 22 years when I walked away for good. We had grown up together and his family became my family. There were circumstances that nobody could possibly imagine. I know and my ex knows. I am not one to trash talk anyone so my mouth stays shut. But apparently he hasn’t. Well, he has about the truth but not his own version.

So Facebook is a pretty common thing these days and I am still friends with a lot of my ex-family. I just don’t think it is right to just un-friend them because we got divorced. I don’t add new ex-family and I don’t invite them to things that I may be hosting. I am courteous enough to respect that is his family.

Let me show you a post that I shared on Facebook and then I would like you to read one of the comments after. Tell me how you would take this. Either way, I do not Facebook drama, so I wouldn’t respond on there, and maybe I am just taking it wrong. “Susan” has been through a divorce herself but I have no idea of the circumstances.

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The above picture is what I had posted and yes I had tagged Bill, my new man for almost a year now, but still.

And below is her response:

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How would you take that? I am just letting it go since I have no idea how I should take it, but it just makes me think of comments from my own family members. There are a couple in particular that I am thinking of and they just think my ex is the shit. They blame me for the marriage crash and that is fine. They are also the ones that do some of the same things that irritated me to begin with.

Whatever, to each their own. I am happy where I am now. Happier than I have ever been. I feel like I need to defend myself but I am not sure why. I know how things were and I know that I stayed through ALL of the tough times, and it wasn’t until we got through them all and the kids were out on their own before I walked away. I could have walked away 7 years earlier when I really wanted to but didn’t because of the tough times. I needed to get the family through first.

Anyway, this just struck a nerve. What are your thoughts? Did I just take it wrong?

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Dear Family

Hello to all of my family and friends. If you are reading this, it must mean that you are curious as to what I would write to you all. Just a heads up; this is not my final words, it is more like a , where I am now kind of thing.

Everything happens for a reason.

First I would like to start off by saying how much I love you. My children are and always have been my life. You are what I live and breathe for. I was a completely different person when I first gave birth to you than I am now that you are young adults. I have grown, matured and blossomed just as I raised you to do.

Everything happens for a reason.

Maybe we sort of grew together since I was just a child when I had you. But no matter what my age was at the time, I did the best that I could do. I see other moms like me and some nothing like me. I don’t think any of us are wrong, just different. It is alright to be different.

Everything happens for a reason.

Drinking and drugs were never part of the picture neither were cussing and fighting. I didn’t put you in a bubble but I tried my best to shelter you from the bigger evils of the world. When you did witness some of the realities of life I did my best to teach you and learn from others mistakes. Everything in life is a learning tool whether good or bad.

Everything happens for a reason.

There was never “me” time. It was always “you” time. My choice, not yours. It was always all about you. We read books, watched kids shows (still some of my favorite types of television) and played games. Making the ABC’s, counting and colors into songs were always so much fun. I miss those days but don’t want to go back.

Everything happens for a reason.

You were growing and learning and we were having so much fun. We had your cousins over a lot so their parents could have “me” time and we loved it. We all learned so much together and created so many beautiful memories.

Everything happens for a reason.

Our beautiful little family were hit with some major life changing events for all of us but we always made the best of it. We may have been hurting physically and emotionally but we would make jokes and laugh, never dwelling on the bad. That is just how we rolled.

Everything happens for a reason.

Hospitals became our second home but that was alright. We made the best of it as best as we could. We didn’t change who we were, we still had your cousins over to visit and play just so everything seemed normal, even at the hospital when some would say we should have been miserable.

Everything happens for a reason.

Stress built up on us but we managed. Our jobs, school, bills and even friends didn’t understand why they weren’t front and center in our lives, but we knew what was most important. We did our part to keep up with all of it but always knew that family came first. Did we laugh all of the time? No, of course not. We cried, kicked and even screamed at times. But then we would pull ourselves together and start laughing once again.

Everything happens for a reason.

Our life events were changing us a little bit every day, we were growing together. No matter how bad we had it, we knew that others had it worse. We said good-bye to friends and family that lost their battles and we still mourn them today.

Everything happens for a reason.

Nobody will ever know the depths of our pain and love because they have never walked in our shoes, but we know. We will always know. The bond that ties a mother to her children is unbreakable and our bond seemed to grow stronger more and more every day.

Everything happens for a reason.

Then the day came that my babies were growing up and testing the waters outside of their mothers wings. It was time to let go a little. They were growing and so was I. I helped you to grow just as you were helping me. The time came for us all to move on. The changes that you went through were expected, but mine were not.

Everything happens for a reason.

What I once considered a strength was now being questioned. The ability to not complain or be negative or even whine was not a strength when it came to my marriage. It came as a shock to the world when I left. But I had to. For me. For the first time in my entire life I wanted “me” time. I felt bad, and still do, for the pain this change brought to my family and friends, especially my children. But I hope that someday you will not only forgive, but understand.

Everything happens for a reason.

I am crying as I write this but not because I am sad. You kids were my reason for living. So naturally I felt a great loss when you moved on. But now I am experiencing life in a whole new way. You will always be number one in my life but now I want to live to enjoy “me” time. I have so many more reasons for living now. I can honestly say that when I was not with you, I was never truly happy. As most of you know, I hated to be away from you. But I knew you had life experiences that needed to be done without mom. Just as mom has life experiences to be done without kids. We are all growing still.

Everything happens for a reason.

I know there are family and friends out there that still don’t understand. That is alright. That is what makes us all who we are. The only thing that I can hope for is that you all do what feels right for you, not everyone else. My conscience is clean. My children are grown. I have and always will be there for them, which is a lot more than some can say.

I love you all and will always be here for you.

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My Dilemma with the Needs of the Rich and Poor

I have found myself in a position that has two families torn apart by tragedy. One family has quite a bit of money and is very well known in the community. The other is a young family that doesn’t have money and don’t know a lot of people around them.

Both families lost a loved one. One lost their teenage daughter and the other lost the father, leaving the mom of three very young children alone and financially stressed, even before the funeral costs. Both very tragic and sad. And both had a Go Fund Me page set up to raise the same amount of money. I am not sure exactly what the fundraiser was being used for the wealthier family, but they were both asking for ten thousand dollars.

The wealthy family reached that goal over night. Yes, one night, not even 24 hours. Plus they still have four or five more taking place this weekend. The poor family has raise about one hundred and fifty dollars in months. Yes MONTHS. In the mean time she has the collectors for the funeral costs calling once a week/month for a payment and also charging a quite hefty interest charge each and every month.

I am not blaming anyone, obviously, but I just feel so bad. They both are dealing with a great loss of a loved one, but one will not also have to endure a financial loss or bill collectors or that constant reminder from the funeral home that they still owe money because of a death that they had no control over. One lost once, the other lost twice.

I reached out to the “poor” one yesterday in hopes that I will be able to help somehow. Obviously I can’t do a lot but I didn’t know what else to do. Both families deserve support through this difficult time, but because of the financial differences I only reached out to one. I don’t like this at all. And it isn’t anybody’s fault.

One family is older and has been through the schools and sports and have just built relationships with more people while the other was just out of school themselves, busy having their small children and trying to set themselves up for their future.

What are your thoughts? Like I sad, nobody’s fault in either situation, but it still sucks.

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Happy Birthday Brian 07/24/1964 – 09/08/1991

Happy birthday to my brother, Brian. He would be fifty years old today. But he isn’t here today because he decided to take his own life and end it all. I love him and miss him dearly, but I have many mixed emotions today. One of them is pissed.

I must be in rare form, because I am not normally angry. I have a grasp on reality and sort of get why he did it. I don’t agree with it and certainly wish I could turn back time and change things, but I get it.

I am pissed that he hurt our mom.

I am pissed that he hurt his son.

I am pissed that he hurt our brothers.

I am pissed that he hurt me.

Happy Birthday Brian. I wish you were here.

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